As the year is drawing to a close, it is only right that we look back and reflect on everything that has happened since January.
In the runup to the general election, there was a tense time where the hot political issue being debated was how political issues should be debated. Cameron refused to take part without the inclusion of the Greens, whilst Miliband challenged the PM to a “one on one debate”. Very few people actually gave any thought to what issues these debates should tackle.
May brought the election and with it, a new round of drama. Cameron’s victory lit the fuse in the other parties that led to their spectacular implosions. The Lib Dems, all but gone from the Commons, curled up to lick their many, many wounds. The precarious tower that had almost raised Ed Miliband to No. 10 collapsed in spectacular fashion. Shellshock inflicted itself on the Labour Party. The party leadership (what was left of it) was as lost as the membership.
UKIP too was confused. Farage had been defeated and his shield of ego had shattered. UKIP hit at everyone. Infighting in the party was coupled with attacks on the media for unfairly representing them (apparently they had not been given enough attention). The party strayed so far from its values that it even came up with a decent policy. It joined the Greens, Plaid, SNP, and Lib Dems in calling for a reformed voting system before realising that the idea of democracy was rather too left-wing.
North of the wall, the SNP had lived up to its name and become Scotland’s only party in both Holyrood and Westminster (apart from three token seats left for the establishment parties). Middle eastern dictators lined up to ask Nicola Sturgeon how she had managed to rig the election so well. Of course, a magician never reveals their tricks so Ms. Sturgeon only gave the cryptic answer of “democracy”.
Whilst the UK was in chaos, the USA had just woken up. Americans finally opened their eyes and saw that they had been living under communist Sharia Law. This discontent reached its peak when those dirty Democrats tried to stop Americans dying at the hands of other Americans. America needed to be made great again. Thank god then for Donald Trump. This man is like no candidate before him. Rich, white, male and middle-aged. This man was the straight-talking savior of the USA. When asked who his inspiration was, he replied “Big Brother”, from George Orwell’s journalistic account of the year 1984.
In a sign of post-Cold War, cooperation, Russian politics developed in harmony with America. As Trump rose, so did Putin. Mr.Putin, called “Big Bear” by his friends, finally righted all the wrongs of Gorbachev. (Mr.Putin’s team would like to clarify that the use of the word “bear” is intended as a symbol of Russian pride and that it should not be confused with the other meaning of the word, which is prevalent in the gay community to mean, a hairy middle-aged man). Mr.Putin, has finally abolished the outrageous sovereignty deficit in his country by taking power back from Europe. No longer can the ECHR protect Russia’s human rights. In a statement the Russian government said “For too long, Europe has been interfering in this great nation. Today, we are reintroducing the great Russian values of intolerance, inequality and oppression back into the motherland.”
Of course, this is only scratching the surface of the year’s events. There is so much more that this journalist cannot cover in one column. There is still a week left in 2015 and as they say, a week is a long time in politics. We may well start the new year under the leadership of the wise George Galloway.
This article was originally set for publication in the satirical magazine “Private Eye” however the content was deemed “too true” and so it is now due to be published in tomorrow’s Guardian.